We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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