my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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