I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
