So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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