I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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