Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
