You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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