The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
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