She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
