I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
