Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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