I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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