The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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