for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
