Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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