i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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