he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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