it hurts more in the daytime
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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