he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
