I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
not ubering you a puppy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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