a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
never play flip cup with pint glasses
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
