You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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