i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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