I think I won the penis lottery.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
