You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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