Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
