the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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