I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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