Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
