I accidentally burped into my bong.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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