I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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