Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
