Got a toothbrush?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
