I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Everclear isn't food dammit
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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