just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
only you would photoshop your dick
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
