i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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