The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
