I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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