my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He passed out mid-signature
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
