So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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