I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
