are you still at the devil's house?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
being pregnant is like rehab
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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