Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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