there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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