woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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