And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
