im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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