4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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