im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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