I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
