Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
