i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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