toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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