If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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